Greetings y'all :
Does anyone else feel embarrassed when our children act up or make bad choices? If so are you embarrassed for the child or because you think folks judge you as a parent ? My quirky and exuberant child is great but not always good. He's an eight year old boy who is learning and growing and striving and thriving. He'll hold the door for folks and help wee ones . He's also incredibly competitive, loathes losing , and can rather mean if he loses. I am not proud of the latter . We are working on the latter.
Anyone who knows me knows that as a child I was fiercely competitive . I was a fiery opponent. But I'm an old man now and many years of experience to draw upon, Mowgli does not. Yesterday he said some rather mean and hurtful things to a very sweet friend who happened to be on the team that beat him. He echoed things said to him by others, things that hurt him. It saddened me to hear him repeat something that caused him pain in an attempt to hurt a little friend. So the question is why would he say what he said and how do we rectify the situation?
We talked about how to talk to people . We discussed how to be a gracious winner and a gracious loser . To travel the middle path. But we've had these discussions ad nauseum. He apologized to the young lady and has written her an apology letter as well. FYI - he hate writing. But I am open to other ideas as well. Please let me know what works for y'all , thanks.
Time for part two of today's journal/blog. Back to how others view us as parents based on our children's behaviors. Yesterday while I was gathering my students for their bus in a very loud and chaotic room I was approached my a fellow staff member who said " I had no idea you have a bad kid. He's really bad and doesn't listen to anyone" Meanwhile I have a table full of E.D. , ADHD , ADD children I'm trying to keep focused while we wait for two stragglers . Ok my kid ain't perfect but is now the time to insult him? When I have eight jumping beans anxious to go home as we wait for two more. Was I angry with staff member - you betcha! Did I yell at her - nope! I told her not to call my child bad and please explain why happened . She explained and I told I would address it. I guess my question is if a person trained to work special education calls Mowgli a bad child because he refused to follow directions then what does the general population think ? Mostly what I hear is - he's funny, bright , verbose, articulate, energetic, witty, smart, cute, handsome, confident, eager, independent, etc... He's grown considerably but is competitive and some of those positives can be viewed and manifested as oppositional.
Either way those words " you have a bad child stung" Maybe I'm odd ( insert your insult here ) but I felt sorry for person. She must have had a very bad day and been in much pain to declare a child bad, considering we work in a special needs camp. Especially since she's had several positive interactions with man cub prior to one negative interaction. How much pain was she in to travel through the school , in the opposite direction of her car at dismissal time to find me to throw barbs at me? Poor woman, I hope she finds peace today. Yes Xander and I talked about listening to adults and not climbing up on the thing , even if others do it and the staff generally ignores it. Disrespect is not an option. He will apologize to her today as well.
Believe it or not he actually a good day yesterday. A couple of moments of angst regarding competition and the negative interaction while waiting for me to get him.He has grown so much and processes so much quicker now. We still have much to learn. I love my Junior Mint!
We shall continue or reflective listening and reinforce the Golden Rule.
Once I don't know, but I'm open to feedback and ideas.
Thanks
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I am horrified that a teacher would tell you that you have a "bad" kid. Even on my worst days of teaching, those words would never come close to escaping my lips. While I am sure that out there are a few evil to the core children, for the majority, a child's actions are bad, not the child themselves.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, she must be having problems elsewhere in her life and like you, I pray she finds some peace.
Thanks for the feedback . I hold no animosity toward the individual. I feel sorry for them. The boy has been called bad and a criminal by family members. He doesn't need more hurt from those expected to give him love, encouragement an support.
ReplyDeletePart 1: I think you handled ManCub's behavior with grace and wisdom. He's learning such valuable lessons in conflict resolution and appropriate responses to negative events (losing).
ReplyDeleteKeep in mind that his brain is physically (I mean areas of the developed brain) unable to prevent the occasional outburst - that part of the brain, the frontal lobe, isn't "completely" developed until about the age of 25 (though by the late teens, early twenties, it's mostly under control). So, I'm not saying he should be excused, and I love the way you handled the situation, but there is a reason it happens sometimes that's a little beyond him.
Part 2: Like Barb R., I am stunned that the adult spoke to you in such a manner. Maybe she was having a bad day. But her behavior was extremely unprofessional, and I hope she reflected upon the incident later.
I think it is likely that we are judged as parents by our children's behavior, rightfully or wrongfully. As my daughter's AP Psychology t-shirt stated, "Nature or Nurture...either way, it's our parents' fault." Kind of funny, but kind of true up to a point. I think it is sad that people might think I was a bad parent if my child had a tantrum in public (which she did); then again, if they were parents at some point, themselves, perhaps they understand what is happening and we are really applying our own feelings of shame or embarrassment on those other parents - we don't really know what they are thinking unless they vocalize it (as that adult did at school).