A painful lesson

Greetings y'all :

This is probably one of my most painful journal entries. I promised to be honest with y'all , to help others grow and for our growth. With out a doubt I love my son and see the wonderful individual he is and is becoming. Yesterday I failed to do that at a critical juncture. Bear with me today folks , I sense a bit of rambling about to occur.

Our day started sweetly, very sweetly. We decided to attempt a silent day. We wanted to try non verbal communication and internally I was thinking it was also for the voiceless victims of domestic violence. I am a survivor but some days still feel unworthy of peace, love, respect, friendship. It's been eight yrs since the last physical assault by my abuser but I still tense up when I footsteps, doors opening and or closing quickly ,banging , yelling, even seemingly baseless insults.

Sadly after a splendid morning of silent baking and reading and meditation Junior Mint wanted to watch football. I conceded but set the timer for ten minutes, a little quiet time after a minor outburst he had. After the ten minutes I went to his room and found on the shelf at the top of his closet. Ok creative ? yes, athletic ? yes,funny ? yes safe ? no. I helped him down and explained I didn't want him to get hurt and now we had to clean up everything he knocked off the shelf before the game.

The tantrum began and he wasn't going to back down until I gave in. I did not, sadly my eight yr old son virtually mirrored in words and actions his mother when she would rage. Sadly I experienced the same pain. I felt I was in fact worthless and unworthy. I had to step outside because I was no longer raising my child but surviving my ex.

Being in the sunshine is always a good idea. We had planned to hike but after Saturday's incident we still had house work to tend to. But I sat and felt the sun, the breeze , noticed the smells and sounds. I grounded myself and took deep breaths. Junior Mint came out, hugged me and played in the leaves and dug in the dirt. What a child ought to do. Not gonna lie folks , as nice as that was I was still jumpy with every footstep that approached

We came in and made soup. Cooking therapy was the order of the day. As we enjoyed our repast the conversation turned towards the events of the last two days, the last few weeks. It came down to a little boy with a grown mans emotions. His little bucket of knowledge can't hold all them feelings, they come spilling out. Like dumping a gallon of water into a tea cup. You're gonna end up with a full up and a big mess. It's also about not being able to channel those emotions yet. I suppose I could toss in genetics and how I parent. I make plenty of mistakes but try to learn.

We pieced together that he now expects big reactions and will escalate if he doesn't get them. That he equates a time to the exclusion room at school where he can bang and beat and yell and throw a ball against the wall. This I must fix, post haste. That is not acceptable home behavior. He used to voluntarily go into his room, maybe slam his door and bang a moment but then read or find a way to calm down. He'd return a few minutes later ready to continue moving forward. But alas if he gets big emotions at school he's not de-escalating he's being isolated and finding a new level of rage. My solution will be to request on his IEP no exclusion room , no holds , and only time ins at home. He needs to relearn his room is a quiet sanctuary. That the exclusion rooms can be used for mediation too. I have a lot of work , we have a lot of work ahead of us.

I want to say I don't blame anyone. His mother is loyal to her friends, she merely damaged me. I don't project how she is with others, just that the long term ramifications of her actions are affecting not just me but a child who still has a chance. Domestic Violence is an horrendous crime. As far as his school ? It's the system they have in place, it works for some, the staff are good folk who mean well. I just know my child and know this is not what works for him.

I suppose I've rambled enough for today. Let me leave you knowing that during supper Junior Mint broke off a piece of bread , broke it two , shared with me and said " no matter what we snuggle at night. We're the Robinson Boys" he's correct. We end up snuggling and reading each night. The I love yous never stop.

"Let distractions melt away like clouds disappearing in the sky" Milarepa

Thanks for reading again today folks. Thanks for all the love and support we get. John Lennon reminded us we get by with a little help from our friends.