Greetings y'all :
Yesterday started off well and ended well. The middle pretty much sucked. Had my computer looked at , expected an estimate got a repair bill. Still not fixed I think the hard drive is shot. I guess it doesn't like being thrown at the wall after all. I didn't get my housework done either ( I picked up - but more on that later) . We finished with a good snuggle though.
So after I woke nice and chipper I allowed an exuberant eight yr old too set off my PTSD that's been just under the surface. All he did was jump around and kick a ball some. The vibrations and sounds made me feel like I was under attack . He was just being playful I however was done, my nerves were gone. So we have an introverted dad seeking the refuge of a quiet home and an extroverted child just being a child. We must learn to strike a balance.
As the day progressed we both got antsy and squirrely. When I finally said no to his snack choice and that I needed twenty minutes of meditation and quiet time to regain my strength all hell broke lose. I had nothing left in me after this past week and morning to be able to actively redirect. I was spent, my energy was drained. This request for recomposure time was met with rage and violence. I swear I was reliving my marriage. So after the police left little man finally helped clean up the mess , well the physical damage and destruction. My spare cash , of which there is none, will now be spent on repairing damage from his tantrum. Just like the old days of my marriage. Guess I'm an easy target. But I still maintain an hands off approach . Unfortunately I'm screwed because his school does not. He now equates love and care with holds ,not hugs but "therapeutic holds. Oh fuuuuuudge :(
He used to respond to hugs and smiles and words. Now he grunts and rages .
I still love him deeply. He has pain and confusion he is trying to reach down , identify and express. He is usually reaching out when he strikes out. But sometimes daddy is just battered. I am a survivor, we are survivors. The most telling thing he did was was after it blew over he said " I'm glad I didn't see mom today she would have hit me and left us" WOW !
Ok I'm far from perfect but am still trying. He is far from perfect but is still trying. He can be victim of our circumstances and lives but ought to embrace the suffering as learnable moments. We are blessed with the opportunity to see the depth and sometimes darkness of our souls. Change comes from within. I shall maintain the helm and see us through this storm to smoother waters.
Thanks for reading again today folks . I'll take any and all advice.
My heart is breaking for you. I'd hug you both if I could. I remember feeling and acting on rages like Zan's when I was a child - my issues tied to abuse at the hand of my father and neglect from my mother...although she would comfort me after my abuse had been received. The worst for me was the feeling of being out of control and then realizing I'd done truly awful things to those I loved and broken or destroyed things that could not be repaired. Extreme feelings of self-loathing and guilt. I think your end of day snuggles must be the most wonderful gift for Zan. I didn't get that from my mother after dad had left. Even after what he surely knows was a bad, bad day for all, he is assured of your unconditional love when all is said and done. When he gets older (but perhaps not for now), he will realize why he was held in a "therapeutic" hold. In my old age (and actually, I started realizing this as a young adult), I realize my behavior and feelings were reactions to a horrific first 7-8 years of my life...and in my family, we pretended things hadn't happened and ignored ugliness, so I wasn't able to work through my issues until I sought therapy in my early 30s when my mother was dying. You, however, are constantly working with Zan and acknowledging and forgiving and loving and teaching. He will benefit greatly from having you as his father, PTSD or not. Bad days will happen...sometimes really bad days. You and Man Cub are blessed to have each other.
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